The English Update

Last Saturday, I was invited to share with a small group of pastors in Ixchiguan, a mountain community about three hours away that we’ve visited many times before. To be honest, I struggled with what to say. The past few months have been absolutely exhausting and exceptionally hard. Sure, I could point to the many examples of God’s goodness through our grief, stand before these fellow believers and proclaim the hope found only in Christ. I could smile and say everything is fine. But that didn’t seem right.

To skip past the hard, to ignore the darkness of the valley, would only water down the goodness and hope found throughout.

For this reason, I chose to share Psalm 13, and to tell the whole story of Wyatt’s life and death. I chose to speak to the hard and the good, using King David’s cry as a framework for hurt and healing.

Here is what I shared.

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
 for he has been good to me.”
Psalm 13:1-6

I am so happy to be here with you today. I am grateful for the invitation to share, and grateful for the opportunity to serve you and your churches. But honestly, the Psalm I have read today is all I have to give.

For the last two months, like David wrote in Psalm 13, my family has also felt forgotten by our Lord. In March, we found out my wife was pregnant with our fourth child. We were so excited, and praised God for the blessing of another baby. But then in May, the doctor discovered news of a genetic problem. Our son was not healthy, and most likely would not survive long. We thought we had more time, and prayed for the chance to meet him before he passed away. Even if he could only be with us for a short time.

But, just like in David’s Psalm, each day sorrow filled our hearts. We couldn’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Knowing we could lose him anytime, we held on to the hope of one day holding him in our arms.

At the beginning of June, my wife began to experience horrible pain, and her bleeding told us the horrible truth. We were losing our son. We miscarried him early in the morning on June 6th. I have never felt such a terrible sorrow. Then, just a few minutes after passing him, my wife began to bleed again, so much that the doctor struggled to stop it, and she lost consciousness. I did all I could to help as nurses surrounded her, and watched as all the color and life she had within her faded away. 

As I have reflected on this day, I can’t help but cry the very same cry as King David, “Look on me and answer, Lord my God.” And even though we still do not understand why this has happened, I am confident that God has heard our cries. Even though we did not get to meet our son, we rejoice in the fact that he is now safe in the arms of our Savior and King. And even though my wife nearly died, we rest in the truth that even when we feel forgotten, God is forever by our side.

The day we lost our son, I nearly lost my wife as well. But thank the Lord, the doctor was eventually able to stop her bleeding and save her life. Her blood pressure had dropped dangerously low, and she was given three bags of blood and two bags of plasma, along with other lifesaving medications, to restore her health. My dad jokes that “she has Guatemalan blood now,” and we are thankful for it.

In the weeks that have passed since that terrible day, I have leaned heavily on this Psalm’s final two verses. They are an example of true trust, even when trust is hard.

“But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
 for he has been good to me.”
Psalm 13:5-6

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you all. And thank you for your prayers as our family moves forward.

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Your prayers for our family have been felt. We praise God that Rachel still has life. But at the same time, we are heartbroken and grieving the loss of our son. We had dreams of life with a fourth, and when we found out he was on the way, we were overjoyed. We will forever remember him and forever wish he was with us. Until we are together again, we are thankful he is healthy and whole in the presence of God.

With Love,
Tyler & Rachel